I am Briony, Briony Tallis - PLEASE READ IT!!!
♥
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
8:13 PM
Briony Tallis is this character from the fiction Atonement. She's a hell of a liar. Due to her being jealoused of the intimate relationship between her elder sister - Cecilia Tallis and the family's gardener's son, Robbie Turner. Incidentally, in this very faithful day that she realised that her sister and Robbie were having s.x in the library, her friend got raped. She, using a rather obscene letter that Robbie has writtened for Cecilia (the usage of the word cxxt), she inferred from it that Robbie is the one who raped her friend although she knew by heart that it was another person who did the raping. Due to the false accusation, Robbie is sent to prison, ultimately, he chose to join the Army during WWII and died of a horrible disease due to infestion of wounds during the last day of the evacuation and was eternally separated from the love of his life Cecilia - who joined him 4 months later, during "The Blitz", during the bombing of the Balham Tube Station.
Just trying my best to raise the courage in me, to own up to things...I am such a coward.
Told myself, for countless of times that lying requires me to cover it up with more lying, in which i am extremely lazy to do. Told myself, i shall never lie to anyone, ever again - cause i really hate to see the disappointed faces or maybe the hatred that some people will have for me, if they know the true.
I am really tired now. Yet i do not have the courage to phrase out what i have done, what i did - the lies that i created with my own active imagination and story-telling skills. I am so afraid that i might lose people who are so precious to me, lose things that i most cherish...Why did i even lie in the first place knowing that i will be in such a mess, in such distress...
Seriously, i don't know....the moment i lied, that i could have carried it this far. To you it might be just an accuse but to me, this is all where the pain comes from. I can't/refused to accept the facts and hence used lies to cover up the things in which i feel inferior in my life. This is a confession - no rhymes, no adjectives, no embellishments.
I am a girl living in fear, who couldn't sleep till 7am in the morning because of the lies that i made that i presumed then, when i made the lie, that i could be a happier person with it. But in turn, the person in jeopardy, the things that i risk losing...have long long long surpassed the happy feeling that i hope i will be receiving.
I feel like Edward from the movie Edward Scissorhands right now. The feeling of wanting to interact with someone so much, the feeling of wanting to feel warmth so much but still am unable to...That's the most distant course in the world.
I don't know if you guys have this experience. But i am in a living hell right now. Wanting to cry but am not supposed to cry due to the terrible nature of my crime. Wanting to live but am dying cause my soul's tired of living up to the lies. Thinking of accuses and the things that i am gonna say to the people whom i lied to but am brain-dead now. Wanting to cherish something now but m afraid to feel the pain of losing it cause of my lies.
I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't wanna act anymore. I don't want the Oscars or the Golden Horse anymore. All i want is a peace of mind and soul. To be allowed to keep myself sane by being who i am and not turning myself into a product in which i created myself to make upself fit in but suffer in the end. I wanna be able to hold on to something and be confident that i can claim it as my own.
Can you ever give me the chance to atone for my mistakes if i ever give you...
My confessions....
I do not expect to be forgiven.
Those who will love me will still love me n those who wont wont..
Just rmb for now... The truth about me towards you guys...
I love you. Come back. Come back to me.
