The Brain and the Mouth
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Friday, April 4, 2008
1:20 AM
There will be a a lot of rambling an whining and screaming and shouting in this post and if you are not one of the more tolerable ones of this kind of shit. Please do not read this and if you do, remember, i WARNED you.
You feel as though you are just sitting, waiting for decomposition, waiting to be exposed - like...you know the conveyor belt where they just put the chicken in, and then cruelly electrocutes them. I feel as though i was going through that then. Everything around me has gone just...blank. You are now just another product from the god damn MOTHER-EARTH factory, waiting and waiting and waiting for the end to come.
I wrote the story myself. I created the grave, the ditch by myself and i know, deep down that i can blame no one. Anyway, it's just another story written by me, another product to be sent down the dump few years down the road. All this years, seriously, i don't know what i am doing. English, Maths, Science, Mother Tougue, Humanities. For so long i have yet to find the courage to break through all odds to be myself, to be able to express myself as an individual human being. I must always think and speak to conform to this society, so distorted that it has made so many people lose themselves. They DISAPPEAR...i disappeared.
I never keep any of the essays, of any forms and any subjects, with me after i finished them and sent them for assessments. I never keep any of those stupid dumb essays i wrote, any of it, i don't keep it. They express the moment in which i lived, and the thoughts and emotions that are going through me at that point of time and i have no intention to keep whatever that will not last with me till i m able to create something that is of eternal lifespan. Proud? Loner? Think BIG? I am just trying to come to terms with this planet called the Earth and with the PEOPLE who are living in it and i amin desperate need to create something that is real, that comes from deep inside my heart, so that what's real will be left on this god-forsaken place after i am gone.My mission will be complete on this Earth when i done it and i shall have no regrets.
Though i never keep any of the essays i wrote with me, i NEVER regretted every single thing that i have expressed on paper during those moments. I regret nothing.
I was suppose to read this lifestory about a girl on air ytd night. What i didn't expect is...i can't continue the story that i wrote. I tried to continue but i can't. My heart stopped beating and beads of tears just triggled down my cheeks uncontrollably, like the broken pieces of my heart were released from those fluids coming out from my eyes. You stopped breathing and for a second you thought you are about to die. Your knuckles appear, as white as sheet as you clutch your hands into a fist. One of the most terrible things that have ever happened in my life, that i thought have recovered, have been taken out of me has RETURNED and i am afraid now. I am very afraid.
Broken families, broken societies, broken friendships - i have seen it all happen. And now i am watching a montage of them all happening again. All these years, i tried to run away from these but it keeps happening to my loved ones - my friends and myself.
I love to dream. Everybody needs a dream to survive - i strongly believe. And the place we are living in don't seem to give us the chance, the opportunity to even withheld the slightest dream from our slumberland. The perversed nature, i hate to say, as i bang my fists and kicking my legs, struggling to escape - as long withdrawn from me, the ability to dream.
What's the difference between hell and heaven? What's the difference between a winner and a loser? What's the difference of being skinny and fat? What's the difference of being tall and short? What's the difference between a genius and a retard? What's the difference of being beautiful and ugly?
We created the differences and unwittingly bounded ourselves into this jail, this cage that will never open for us again...no matter how hard we try. We are officially trapped in this superficial and shallow world, where we eat, devour, partake one another right to the bones and then crushing them and make them into glue, and then trapping others with the glue. We will never realise, that deep down, our souls are inter-connected and when we eat others, we are eating ourselves. You keep eating, and the glue keeps piling up - the glue eventually drowns you - you become a molecule in the glue.
I am ugly - you keep telling yourself that. For so long, i have heard many people calling themselves ugly and then envy the LESS UGLY. And of course, i have seen people who want to be LESS UGLY go for cosmetic surgery to prove that they are really ugly. Sometimes, it gets pretty obvious and you despise the person and say that he/she is fake. My answer to these scrutinies are - Why do you even care about how you look physically, it's your inner characteristics that make you a person, a human. People go to these looks-altering factories that produces products that can only last...5 years? And then soon you will get your retribution by suffering from the after-math of unnatural looks alterations after that 5 years of looking like someone from above. There's an expiry date for good looks - but there ain't expiry date for the heart and the soul deep down. And what's really bad about looking bad. In my opinion, ugly is so much superior than being beautiful as ugliness last forever but beauty does not. So why not keep things the natural way? Why put on a mask that last for 5 years and expires and let everybody know that you are such a superficial person?
You know what. I am becoming a FAKE person. Like what many said about me in the past, when i haven't gotten my identity right yet, that i am acting cute. But no matter what, i realised, in what ever directions, ways that we go, we MUST act. Acting is a way of life. For me, there are somethings that i can't come to terms with, and i know them deep inside my heart and i cared. What i did was bury them and then act. Different people have different little secrets they want to hide from others and they use different methods of acting. I am a bad actor. Maybe i am good on film or on stage, but i am really bad in real life. No reason at all. I just can't. And then, i get exposed and the feeling...of being completely exposed feels as if you are naked. Starked naked. Nothing on you and you are in North Pole.
I feel horrible right now. Thousands of thoughts striking mymind but i can't put them in words. Many things are left unexplained. I wonder. You wonder. We wonder still the day we die and there will still be somethings deep deep deep inside that we cannot find the courage to explain. Not that we don't want to is that we can't. That when we explain that we will die of the coldness of reality that is way past freezing point.
We will die, won't we? Eventually...
