The Full Stop to my Life.
♥
Monday, July 6, 2009
11:22 PM
I have to go now and somehow its time. I feel the time's coming for me to finally leave here. The wind is blowing through me and i feel it right into my bones. Crazy but true. This is the end of me and i am enjoying it for all its worth. I have been bleeding too much blood and shedding too much tears for things that are never ever meant to mine. I suffer as i live every single minute, putting on a false smile upon my face. How i wish i meant my smile. I am crushed and fragmented and there is no way that i can be put back now. There is simply just no way. It is not that i haven't tried. But there is something in me that i can no longer control, something evil, something childish and maybe something stupid. I no longer know who i am now and i no longer wish to know.
I remember i once said that people who cannot accept that they have 2 faces do not deserve to live - they are simply nobody. I guess i was talking about me. I never belonged, no matter how hard i tried, my heart doesnt belong to Earth, it doesn't belong to anybody, not even me. Not even me. It's crazy i know but i am missing my soul and i no longer deserve to live.
It may seem stupid to die of something that cannot be physically seen or felt or heard. The notion's stupid and i know but it does happens. People do actually get killed by things which cannot be seen physically or felt physically. They just die because of what they are feeling inside. I feel i am feeling something inside, something that is abnormal, something taht i have never felt before in my entire life and for this i must end myself. Though it cannot be physically seen or felt by me, my heart is slowly falling apart, it is breaking down and it's fragmenting and i cant do anything, any fucking thing about it. My mind is a blank and i dun know why i am typing this. I am not crazy. I am not crazy.
I love you. I love you. I love you. My friends. OMG. I could just die right now because i love you guys so much but just cant really accept you guys into my heart. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. But i love you. But i love you.
Till my tears have gone dry i have cried. For miles and miles i have walked. For years i have been waiting for something that isnt mine all this while. The ticket that i wanted to buy is sold out. The train that i wanted to be on has gone away. When i arrived, its too late. Its been gone 500 miles and i cant chase it back again. Oh what do i do? Do i wait? Or do i just leave because i didn't get onto the right train?
I can no longer stay in this train of life anymore. I will have to tear my ticket i jump off the train myself. That is no longer the train that i am suppose to be on. I was never suppose to be on anything. Its destined. Its my destiny.
So if you are reading this and i certainly hope you will not because it is just so depressing and real and bloody, please know something. I beg of you. My tears have gone dry and i cant continue anymore. My heart has fragmented and i cant piece them back anymore. My mind is so twisted that i cant twist them back anymore. So before i hurt anyone, i shall end myself first. I shall end myself, before anything terrible happens. I will end myself. I will end myself.
But i am too much of a coward to kill myself. I am too afraid of the pills, the height, the blood, the blade. So i shall forget myself. I shall kill myself, by forgetting myself. Then me will no longer exist in my brain. I shall no longer exist in my brain.
It is crazy, i know. I never wanted to be born. I was never my choice. I am sorry, mum, if you happen to read this. Sometimes i just thought everything would be better if i wasnt born. You and dad are good people, so kind and so patience and i never meant to hurt you. But i cant love you guys anymore. I cant love anymore. I cant. It was never in my nature because i never really belonged here. Not one minute, not even one millisecond. I am so sorry but i think you nidda know.
As i look into my reflection in the mirror, i shall no longer recognise the face. All that should be left in the mirror is a cold hard flesh, moving but otherwise nonchalent.
Have you cried rivers before? Once i cried and my entire table was filled with water and mucus.
Have you tried hitting your head on the wall for many times until you black out? Try that. It's awesome.
Have you try to put on an act in front of ur friend to appear normal when u just cant? I have but nvr succeeded.
What is life? I shall forget that word. I shall even forget how to type because typing is boring. I shall forget everything in my fucking universe. I shall get on the train to dooms, i heard they have many tickets left there, there must be one for me. There must be. I belong there.
I am the stupidiest person you will ever get to know. Because only someone dumb enough will put on here her ending speech. I am such an attention seeker and a bitch i know. But i love you nevertheless.
Dun forget i cant love.
And dun forget to use the "fuck". I love that word.
The ones who die are not the ones who don't know but the ones who knew but just ain't so. Cui Fen.
I belong in hell. The Earth's never prepare for someone like me. They simply couldnt put in their minds to understand the concept behind our psychology. Fucking stupid minds. Connect.
Fragmented and fragmented my heart, oh! I just don't get the wind. The wind is blowing and my mind is spinning and the wheels keep churning and my brain keeps freezing. My legs keep soring and my fingers keep numbing and the curtain blows towards me.
Something random for a random world.
I shall end myself before i hurt anyone else. I am a coward, you are the hero. Heroes are the ones who lived. I chose to be a coward because i never will be a hero. And hero has gt 2 words less than coward.
