You really don't wanna know - I am fragmented

The Full Stop to my Life.

2009-07-06T23:22:00.002+08:00

I have to go now and somehow its time. I feel the time's coming for me to finally leave here. The wind is blowing through me and i feel it right into my bones. Crazy but true. This is the end of me and i am enjoying it for all its worth. I have been bleeding too much blood and shedding too much tears for things that are never ever meant to mine. I suffer as i live every single minute, putting on a false smile upon my face. How i wish i meant my smile. I am crushed and fragmented and there is no way that i can be put back now. There is simply just no way. It is not that i haven't tried. But there is something in me that i can no longer control, something evil, something childish and maybe something stupid. I no longer know who i am now and i no longer wish to know.

I remember i once said that people who cannot accept that they have 2 faces do not deserve to live - they are simply nobody. I guess i was talking about me. I never belonged, no matter how hard i tried, my heart doesnt belong to Earth, it doesn't belong to anybody, not even me. Not even me. It's crazy i know but i am missing my soul and i no longer deserve to live.

It may seem stupid to die of something that cannot be physically seen or felt or heard. The notion's stupid and i know but it does happens. People do actually get killed by things which cannot be seen physically or felt physically. They just die because of what they are feeling inside. I feel i am feeling something inside, something that is abnormal, something taht i have never felt before in my entire life and for this i must end myself. Though it cannot be physically seen or felt by me, my heart is slowly falling apart, it is breaking down and it's fragmenting and i cant do anything, any fucking thing about it. My mind is a blank and i dun know why i am typing this. I am not crazy. I am not crazy.

I love you. I love you. I love you. My friends. OMG. I could just die right now because i love you guys so much but just cant really accept you guys into my heart. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. But i love you. But i love you.

Till my tears have gone dry i have cried. For miles and miles i have walked. For years i have been waiting for something that isnt mine all this while. The ticket that i wanted to buy is sold out. The train that i wanted to be on has gone away. When i arrived, its too late. Its been gone 500 miles and i cant chase it back again. Oh what do i do? Do i wait? Or do i just leave because i didn't get onto the right train?

I can no longer stay in this train of life anymore. I will have to tear my ticket i jump off the train myself. That is no longer the train that i am suppose to be on. I was never suppose to be on anything. Its destined. Its my destiny.

So if you are reading this and i certainly hope you will not because it is just so depressing and real and bloody, please know something. I beg of you. My tears have gone dry and i cant continue anymore. My heart has fragmented and i cant piece them back anymore. My mind is so twisted that i cant twist them back anymore. So before i hurt anyone, i shall end myself first. I shall end myself, before anything terrible happens. I will end myself. I will end myself.

But i am too much of a coward to kill myself. I am too afraid of the pills, the height, the blood, the blade. So i shall forget myself. I shall kill myself, by forgetting myself. Then me will no longer exist in my brain. I shall no longer exist in my brain.

It is crazy, i know. I never wanted to be born. I was never my choice. I am sorry, mum, if you happen to read this. Sometimes i just thought everything would be better if i wasnt born. You and dad are good people, so kind and so patience and i never meant to hurt you. But i cant love you guys anymore. I cant love anymore. I cant. It was never in my nature because i never really belonged here. Not one minute, not even one millisecond. I am so sorry but i think you nidda know.

As i look into my reflection in the mirror, i shall no longer recognise the face. All that should be left in the mirror is a cold hard flesh, moving but otherwise nonchalent.

Have you cried rivers before? Once i cried and my entire table was filled with water and mucus.

Have you tried hitting your head on the wall for many times until you black out? Try that. It's awesome.

Have you try to put on an act in front of ur friend to appear normal when u just cant? I have but nvr succeeded.

What is life? I shall forget that word. I shall even forget how to type because typing is boring. I shall forget everything in my fucking universe. I shall get on the train to dooms, i heard they have many tickets left there, there must be one for me. There must be. I belong there.

I am the stupidiest person you will ever get to know. Because only someone dumb enough will put on here her ending speech. I am such an attention seeker and a bitch i know. But i love you nevertheless.

Dun forget i cant love.

And dun forget to use the "fuck". I love that word.

The ones who die are not the ones who don't know but the ones who knew but just ain't so. Cui Fen.

I belong in hell. The Earth's never prepare for someone like me. They simply couldnt put in their minds to understand the concept behind our psychology. Fucking stupid minds. Connect.

Fragmented and fragmented my heart, oh! I just don't get the wind. The wind is blowing and my mind is spinning and the wheels keep churning and my brain keeps freezing. My legs keep soring and my fingers keep numbing and the curtain blows towards me.

Something random for a random world.

I shall end myself before i hurt anyone else. I am a coward, you are the hero. Heroes are the ones who lived. I chose to be a coward because i never will be a hero. And hero has gt 2 words less than coward.

Whale Shark Petition

2009-04-24T21:26:00.002+08:00

The whale shark is endangered and some freako organization with gigantically huge powers are trying to put it into a fucking aquarism for everyone who visits the Singapore IR (Integrated Resort) to see. Well, this is just fucking stupid because whale sharks die in less than 2 years if they are out of tehir natural habitat, which means the wide open sea. So what is the point of putting a whale shark into a aquarism to kill it ultimately? This petition is to petition against the having of whale shark in IR.

Some people are so fucking stupid. But so are the people who want to watch a whale shark in a pathetically small fish tank!

Right and Wrong

2009-04-24T21:23:00.002+08:00

I have been doubting myself lately of what i know and what i don't. Who knows the equation between right and wrong is? I might be killing someone but it still right to me, ain't it. Cause conscience exists in the being, not the law or the rules or the books or what ever somebody tried to make me abide.

I am the LAW.

ARE YOU?

Being normal

2009-04-24T21:16:00.003+08:00

What's normal anyway?

I ask myself this question frequently when i am spending my time in daze. Well teh answer to this question is "I don't know". Seriously, it is about perpectives. Technically, no one's normal. No one is normal to me. Not even myself.

Who knows? I might be spending my days at home listening to some weird indie music, watching som weird indie movies and drinking some stale milk from 1 month ago and not getting sick until 2 wks later.

Fuck knows what's normal.

Beads of cold sweat is dripping from my forehead. Feeling sick right now but i am lucky to have some VCDs to accompany me through these difficult times. I seriously need someone right now. But i am invisible qand you can't see me. Everything's surreal to me. Even the blood. I need it to drip from myself, from my arm, from my wrist. The word suicidal is an unknown word to me.

I hear someone calling me! Is it you? It's you isnt it? I have waited for you for so long, even in my dreams...

Come back, come back to me.

"The Left Out"

2009-04-24T20:59:00.002+08:00

Have you ever feel so alone and naked in a room full of people because of a reason you cant explain or even talk about? This is for you guys then! My own experience of being a left out.

I was never with anybdoy to begin with. The sun's hanging in the sky with its heat drifting in the air, tasting like salt in your mouth. You look ahead of you and you see everybody, every single person whom you care or not care about. Well i gues you dont really care anymore. Their smiles are impaling themselves into your heart and you do ask yourself nothing. Everything's in silence. They move in motions. They know not you but you know them, though you may not have even talked to them at all. Nobody come up to you. Blank spaces fill your minds and souls and cold sweat starts coming down from yuour palms. Your heart turn solid cold and your brain is swimming in the air, like a fish without directions. You gradually stop breathing and everything seem to ease. The pain from the impalement of smiles and the sight of people in cliques gathering around you make you feel sick. You are truly alone in your own place. Suddenly, the phone in teh canteen rang and you rush to pick it up.

Phone: Hey
You: Hey
Phone: Bye

You know not what just happened and you hung up the phone. Looking at the phone as if it is a lifesaver. You prefer to be by the phone then with humans. But then you still went back in hope of never being alone again.

Yet you are still alone in your own space, with nothing to hold onto. The humans become clouds and you become the wind pushing the clouds to float in this polluted air. But the wind is the purest and you know it. However the wind slowly stops blowing and stays stagnant in the air, it becomes the polluted air, polluting the clouds. The clouds fall and turn into rain.

But there you are still, as human being, feeling butt-naked and alone. Crying in your lonely space. No one to hear you and no one can see. You are invisible. The sun's still beaming on top of you and the clouds floating. the people in front of you are still smiling.

The bell rang.

The Fuck Phrase

2009-04-24T20:51:00.003+08:00

Currently suffering from heavy bouts of heavy headed-ness, I fell really uncomfortable right now. Not sure why but probably is just another nauseous blog post.

I have been feeling shitty lately and the worst thing is, i know exactly why. Things didnt go according what's planned initially - in which the initially here means in my Yr 1 Sem 1. I have not been planning this headache and heartache then, but well, here i am now suffering from it. Doing another soul searching to check out what i missed out in life. Life is such a small word but yet filled with great meanings. Oh fuck me! I hate big meanings but that is what that make out mi life.

My life lately is shitty. I hate it. I havent hated it since i was sec 3 but now i am hating it again. Something that is done a few days ago made my life shitty. I realise then i am incapable of letting anyone who has entered my life go easily. Technically this should be a difficult thing for the person, but i realise that it is a much difficult thing for me to go through. Of course this may have been an excuse but unfortunately it is not.

Going to teh doctors tmr to check my bp. Hope everything's fine or else i am bringing my sunblock.

CIAO

Freakingly True Post

2008-11-07T21:12:00.004+08:00

Oh well...So one day i suddenly became this person whom i am just not. All i wanted honestly is to stay grounded and to just lead a safe and happy carefree life with my friends. But this seriously...My dad told me that this would be a good opportunities to correct the wrongs that i have done in the very same post that i am in this time round and my mom told me that as long as you stay trueful to yourself nd do your job well, everything will just go smoothly and i will be a happier person, though still in the exact same place. I guess i will just have to try then.

Before i take up whatever challenges and whatever assignments and projects in the future, i would just like to tell you guys teh amazing journey that i took in CHS the moment i stepped inside and the people whom i eternally grateful to who took me upon this overwhelming road filled with challenges and obstacles.

I don't think i expected anything right from the start. What i expected is t have no friends, bad results and a lifestyle that is so fixed and simple that it would bore anyone to death. But in fact, i am utterly amazed and surprised when i clicked particularly with this group of people who I believe are still cheering on this journey as i type: Doreen, Melody, Yiyuan. They are three individuals with different personalities and backgrounds, however, i just felt that something in me "clicked" instantly when i met them the very first time. Indeed, they took down the mask that i have been having on for a very very long time. Somehow they just seen through me and seen me in my naked and true form. I became whom i want to be and enjoyed greatly when they understood every single thing that came out of my brain - things that i am trying to communicate and having people to come to terms with it for a very long time. I thank them for this wonderous journey that they have put me through and i hope that this will last as long as we shall be.

People whom i have been constantly impressed for a long time - Jun Kang, Eugene, Fangjie, Pearlyn, Zoe. They are some of the inspiration-givers to me. Jun Kang and Eugene are just amazingly fun to talk to and work with and Fangjie gives me and my fellow groupmates the right direction to carry on with a seemingly lifelong string of projects. Although i havent been talking to Pearlyn much, her attitudes towards life and others inspires me greatly. I remember once when Yuan Shan told Pearlyn something about not being confident about the image that she presents to others and how people look at her, Pearlyn said with full force that no one is ever meant to judge anyone - if i didnt rmb wrongly. That sentence gave me a certain direction towards something i never knew could be possible for me. Zoe is just amazing, I mean, even without me exactly talking to her a lot. She just have an aura of charismatic presence - even with her loud personality. That just shows me a completely different order of youth, in a way that i could hardly put in words. These people are just incredible and i honestly and sincerely thank you for having inspired me, even if you guys dunno abt it.

I was and still am an outcast. However, what's different from then and now is i met some of the most generous and open people of my generation. I am eternally grateful. And of course, not forgetting the most precious clique who have made me who i am now - Cheanfei, Yining and etc. They brought me from the depths of psychological hell to where i am now. To them i feel things that i cannot put them into words, as words are just too small to convey how much i am in debt to you guys.

I just want to say that no matter where i am, you guys will always be somewhere in my mind and i will always be appreciative whenever i think of the times when we are working on a project and things and ideas just clicked and found themselves suitable for our situation as we move on. I am deeply grateful to have been able to work with different people and enjoy the experience - something that i am unable to for a very long time, which i consider a form of disability.

As a human being - as me, i dun want to ever be in a place, in a position where i feel satisfied, so this also marks to time to improve myself and to spur myself on. My traits of irresponsibility and laziness i believe, must be improved upon and transform into something positive. My utter disdain for very troublesome things - haiz...i think i needa learn how to take care of them nw.

The directions towards the challenges ahead are still unknown. But no matter what occurs, i ask for your belief in me. When bizarre things arise - things about me, i only ask for your trust. And i shall end this post by saying how eternally grateful i will be towards you guys. I shall stay grounded and be myself no matter what i am and only abide to my rules and principles. For those whom i mentioned in this post, i thank you guys greatly and for those who i have forgot to add in here, i am in debt to you and i tell you that you are somewhere in my mind, surely.

XOXO

The Ultimate Plan - The Indy Apple Production Co.

2008-10-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

Yesh! The ultimate plan has finally been conceptualised and i am currently busy wif my debut video starring anybody but me (keep guessing!!!). My debut video wil be out latest by next Tuesday (hopefully), in time for it to catch some hits on the Internet on its debut first day. Dvd/Cds will also be distributed to those who are interested in the vid. Sounds like real business? HAHHAA!!!

Indy Apple Production Co. stands for Independent Apple Production Company in ts full form. Please just dun ask me how i came about this name, cos it is, even to me, a complete myth. So thanks guys!!!

So i hereby pronounce that INDY APPLE PRODUCTION COMPANY is officially launched on Thursday 2/10/08, 11.45pm. HURRAY!!!

PS. Currently, i have got no plans on recruiting anybody or have in mnind anybdy whom i want him/her to join me in this serious business. So if you are keen, kindly just inform me and i will see what i am capable of in arranging the manpower for this co. :D

A New Life

2008-09-27T23:35:00.002+08:00

Just came by from a holy fun 4d3n chalet outing which ended just yesterday - am damn tired now. But somehow i swtill found the energy to revive this seemingly dead blog...I guess a new life has just begun.

Wanted to end my life some day last week but somehow couldn't put myself into it. Wondered why and finally got to the point to understand that its my family and friends who seem to have the invisibly strong strength that managed to pull me off such negative and obscenely irresponsible thoughts. Don't ask me why i wanna end my life cause there are more than one answer, and some in which i will never tell anyone, eve to myself, as the very thought of it degrades my level of humanity and holds me off the energy to live on. I thank all who have failed to question me about my absence from teh computer and my outwardly desplayed low feelings. It really meant a lot to me.

I am currently putting my mind down on a plan in which i have long wanted to accomplish, bt have failed to do so due to the many commitments in which i had - have and the very thought of how much work will be required for me to handle if this idea is to ever come to life. This plan - i believe will give me a new meaning to what life is all about and also an opportunity to learn, to see how much more things are required to be known for me to grow in the society of challenges. I think that somehow i am ready for this plan now.

The plan is to launch a vodcast in youtube. Something that i wanted to do for a long time but never found the courage to do. The plan has not been fully thought over by me but there's only one thing i am very sure of - i need help. I will be putting on my thinking cap for this, and when the ultimate plan comes - Let's see.

Love Lots, The Fragmented Cui Fen

End-Sem Blues

2008-07-12T10:30:00.004+08:00

Me zi-lianing onboard. :D

Trip to Vivo. There's this exhibition of a ship there and was free of charge. Went thr with the WHATever gang and this photo is taken by Reen. :D

They seem to have imprints, clearly showcasing teh number of countries the ship has gone to. A tradition i guess.
I love the sea. Splendid.
There were some people climbing on the ropes back then but i failed to snap any clear photos on it. Sadded.
FOR CREWS ONLY!!!

SAG's Welcoming party for the newbies - I am a newbie. :D Enjoyed the play though, acting was superb.:D
The food. Delicious.
Doreen and gang in SIM. In teh background is Melody on her phone and Tun Kang. loL
Snappy shot with Doreen. :D
Melody and Doreen are pretty serious this time round. HAHAHA!!

"Hair Loss" Comedy

2008-07-09T01:00:00.001+08:00

Simply hilarious! Yiyuan can be 金马影后 already...

Behold the Arrival of Projects

2008-06-30T00:25:00.002+08:00

Oh gosh... SHIT and *BEEP*...

Sorry but i feel that i have to stop typing...cause i have got about a mil F**Ks in my mind right now and i am afraid that i might just curse like a a-hole without stopping.

Love. Period.

2008-06-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

"I have forgotten you".

"No you didn't!"

"Yes i did."

"Please say you loved me....Once."

"No i didn't and let it stay as that."

Period.

Moving on.............

Perhaps Love

2008-06-20T23:30:00.002+08:00

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I have always have fantasies about a boyfriend, how's he gonna be, what does he look like, is he tall dark handsome or is he just a average looking geek? Is he smart, cute, dangerous, mysterious? I always wanted to meet him but for 17 years i waited to no avail.

Maybe i met him, but i missed him. As he disappears into the fog of strangers, so mysteriously, i watch him as he passes me, his sturdy footsteps ringing in my ears and my heart beat following him. He is a dream, a mirage yet to be created. I still need to find him.

Again, i think i met him but yet my senses think not. As the train i am on moves on, he moves on as well, on the platform, and i have got no idea where he's heading for. As i watch, for a second his eyes met mine and twitched for that very second. Yes i think i love you - i thought.

The third time was sensational though there seem a million people around us. We met for the very first time eye to eye, my instincts said yes but my brain says no. No. No. He's just not the one for me and i don't love him - i thought. I passed him, with tears forming in my eyes. Yes i know, my true love, gone.

Come back. Come back to me. He says. I woke up and it's just a dream. Yet his mirage is still evident in my mind, just as if i met him, for the very first time, that electrifying shock of destiny.

Dear. I will come back to you - a reply that is sent by me to you. Yet at the same time, i chose to let go, not because i don't love you, because i just want you to let me go.

The sad ending marks my will that i might never get a good man, ever. Sense and Sensibility - I chose Sensibility.

So stop crying.

A DREAM

2008-06-20T23:22:00.003+08:00

You know...I have a dream, of creating a movie/stage script or even a book about...nothing. Yea you read me - NOTHING. Reason being: I am a sadist who enjoys watching people searching for something that isn't even there in the first place, and when they finally come to a realisation, they find that it is too late. I was thinking if i can write a script with no plot lines at all, just words, sentences, phrases, vocab, grammar and i will have actors acting on stage or in front of the camera, with they themselves not even knowing what they are acting. I think that will be cool. I think i am creating a miracle - actors not knowing themselves, a play with no plot, being a sadist, etc.

There's something really interesting that i heard from mi stage art instructor a few weeks ago. There's this play, about someone, who's waiting for something and the story just continue and ends with that as a ending. "Someone waiting for something". I think this is absolutely interesting cause in life, we are always waiting for something to happen, like having a flower pot fall right on my head from the 100th storey, or being hit by a truck filled with chickens. Definitely interesting.

I am dreaming now, with my eyes wide open. No i m not drugged and i am just being me, naked and true me. I am not trying to hide anything...Cos i am just me. FULL STOP.

Die, Dies, Died, Dead

2008-06-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's been eating me up lately - it seems more and more challenging for me to stay in context with this world, to identify with it and to live peacefully in it. Yet again, old problems come back and i am only left with 2 choices. Either i die or the world dies - in which i think the former will be of a more probable choice.

I hate the word "emo", for all things in this world, i HATE the word and i wish it never exist. Life's a bitch, but this word makes life seems like SHIT. Making fun of real emotions but using such a cheesy term - EMO. Well, currently i am facing some really difficult problems and am certainly not emoing so will you plz....Thank you.

It is as if i am stuck on a piece of chewing gum and i am trying to stay alive by swimming in it, while knowing and understanding the fact that i will never be able to get out of the SHIT taht is create by nobody else but me. I am all over the blame-it-on-others stage and am totally embracing the self-pity-is-cool phrase.

Well, there are so many things that happened (some are still on going, unfortunately) and I am, under most unfortunate circumtances, find myself thinking the most fundamental question of all time: Why people live while in actual fact, life's a bitch? DO YOU KNOW that from the start, from the very beginning, when we come popping out of our mom's vag or stomach (for mom who uses C-section), life is nothing but a sad phrase in what we call the life-cycle. DO YOU KNOW how i know what i understand from this??? Cause we all cry when we are born, we cried from the very beginning of our life and so life's just about sadness, misery and pain. The ending's sad too - we PERISH, we DIE, we DISAPPEAR and our corpses lay there waiting to be eaten by some god-forsaken living creatures. Yeah..it's sad. Thats precisely the reason why i HATE self-help books...you know, those TOMORROW-IS-ANOTHER-SUNNY-DAY book. Please...STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND LOOK AT THE REALITY, what side of it is sunny.

Global Warming, Earthquakes, Tsunami - we brought this to ourselves and we have no one else to blame but ourselves. It really really depressing...as i speak of the Si Chuan Earthquake. You see those young lives crumble beneath the rumble and all one might be thinking was - What's for dinner tonight? And i was like OH SHITTY SHITTY GOD NO NO NO....

Fucked up - my life's fucked up right now and i feel as though no one's here to save me from the rumble that is beginning to bury me in it. Not trying to ask anybody here to save me but blog is really a good revenue to take the shit off my chest.

Ciao and thank you for NOT reading this post.

What a day...

2008-06-11T22:17:00.002+08:00

Me in long hair. Obviously. LOLLLL....

Sorry for posting such a short post but i m really tired today and have promised Reen to update this seemingly dead blog. So before i go off to see Mr Zhou, here is a photo of me in long hair and i guess the reason as to why i dun keep a long hair is because i will seem so old if i really do...Well, kinda like the wig though, kinda crappy but alright...

Gotta slp now. Ciao!

Reluctance...

2008-06-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

Actually, i never wanted to live Singapore during this short, 2-weeks 14-days holiday. Main reason's because i felt that i have gt loads to do during my holidays, especially SOMETHING to my studies! But nevertheless, it's just 3 days and i really hope that everyone, including me, will stay safe and sound. loLx.

This week was spent mostly in awe - both Doreen and Melody were absence this tues due to illness and then Doreen was absence for like another 1 day and i guess she came up with all the crap then.

Doreen and Eugene showed up together today for the very first time (Well...i guess not). They insisted that they are just "normal" friends but it just doesn't seem so to me. But anyway, they came up with all the crap for the 偶像剧that we will soon be coming up with. The plot's rather interesting and the characters, in my humble opinion, is really really unexpected...to a very great extent.

Currently looking foward to how Eugene and Jun Kang can put through the act, things are going to be funny...LOLLL....

Well, gonna leave at 6am in the morning tmr and i have gt to catch some slp now (didnt slp ytd due to Yang's h/w...YUCKS!).

Au revoir!!

Ressurection - The END of lagginess

2008-06-02T00:39:00.013+08:00

ZI LIAN!!! LOLLL!

Slacking...

Doreen's transformation into Song Hui Qiao...I hereby want to pronounce that this can ONLY happen digitally, not in rl. So to 土匪...节哀。。。

Full body pic of us being "CLOVER"!!!

We are "CLOVER"! Nonono...We are still ＂单飞比较红" HAHAHA! PS. I AM NOT TIP TOEING，　土匪！！！！！

Dear Melody in the geeky specs i bought. LOLLL

YiYuan in the bizzarre specs. LOLLLL

Doreen in my new, extremely bizzarre specs...LOLLL

Well, forgive for not updating my blog for so long. I have been really busy with some...stuffs. LOLLL.

These days, i started crapping again. However, it's no longer with the CLIQUE, it's with the new band in NP, 单飞比较红。Seriously, it is a band and we will be organising a concert real soon with our manager, 正“肠”人Melody. There's a reason why i gave her this nickname, and of course, other nicknames that we started. Ha...

Band members are namely: 土匪，一元 and me. Well, i am not really sure of the nickname they've given me but i shall learn from them tmr asap.

Melody's 正肠人as she's the only person who is fine, as in, not suffering from serious aftermath of food poisoning after consuming a supposedly spoiled plate of baked rice at the Alumni Foodcourt over here in NP. Both土匪and一元 LS-ed that night, and i am informed by them that the condition is quite serious. Doreen looked really pale the last time i vid-chat-ed her and Yi Yuan wrote in her blog that she havent slept well the entire night due to frequent toilet trips. Haiz...I also dunno what to do, just hope that they can recover really soon (before the hols so they can enjoy themselves as much as they can!).

Here's a tribute for 单飞比较红 and to our forever beloved manager Melody. These are some of the photos i took from my hp and from their blogs. Enjoy!! :DDD

Doreen （土匪），Yi Yuan (一元）and me being artsy farsy in front of the flowers that our principal drawn. loLx

Another pic of us...

One sentence summarises all bizzarre thoughts going through ur mind right now: STAGE ART HELPS!

This's abt all. Ciao. :D

Twilight teaser trailer OFFICIAL HD

2008-05-07T23:01:00.001+08:00

I know many of my friends will be excited. I read the this book during the hols and i think it's interesting. Something like Anne Rice but for the kids. This is the official teaser from the movie, not fan-made. Enjoy!

Another Resurrection: Chaos

2008-04-30T06:29:00.002+08:00

Many things happened this past week, which hindered me from updating this bloggy. I am so so so sorry for my MIA, both in this bloggy and HabboSoup as i have been down with fever last week for 4 days. Quite serious huh? Furthermore, after that gruelling four days of high fever and flu and all, my mum got admitted into the hospital cause she fell down in the bathroom and cracked the bone at her left wrist - nobody can ever imagine what i have been through. This is havoc!

I have got work taht needs to be done, with asap status written all over my notebook, yet i can do limited things about them cause i have got so many activities that i need to go for in the evenning, taken up much of my time for school work...Haiz...i hope this gets better.

Stage Art is fun. The members there are all professionals who know how to act, which is great cause i can learn tons of things from them and then become an expert just like them. The teacher's got loads of experience so it's a hell load of learning to do from him...

French is just difficult. I am still in the process of making out the pronounciation of words using the alphabets...Bonjour!!! loLx. This seems to be the only phrase that ij got out after 2 weeks of extensive learning procedure..

I know this is a short post but i realy really got to rush. I am too busy to feel anything for anything so...i m becoming a bitch! SHIT!

I really got to go do my homework to save my ass from the glue machine. Au revoir!

Resurrection - The Sian-sation...

2008-04-17T15:30:00.003+08:00

Currently at rp's library waiting for Reen to be released from lessons. The facilities here is just gorgeous...i mean, they are stylistically new and i think there's an inch of glass everywhere here. Well, all in all, this is a pretty interesting experience cos it's the first time i come to rp, which is Republic Poly if some of you guys still catch no ball. LOL.

Today's lecture is quite interesting, cause it's conducted by theis ex FM 933 and UFM 1003 Deejay. By now, i guess most of you already know who he is. He's a friendly guy i must say, he greeted us and shook everybody's hand while we walk into the class. The classroom for his lecture is just fascinating - there is this huge red curtains at where the white screen for projection of images is and there is a kinda mini stage. Sorry if i m actign a lil sua gu here, it's really the first time i went into a classroom designed as such. loLx.

Still waiting. There is this guy who is playing the piano concerto right now at this piano one tier above the second storey...if you guys know what i mean since the architecture design for rp is rather unique. I've gone to my sch's library before and i believe that rp's one is nicer cause it's in every sense brighter and its newer. I sound like a very 喜新厌旧 person now. loLx.

Got my dress today. Quite nice but i don't think i can fit in. I haven't even tried it on yet but nvm, i think my estimation is quite good since i passed both my Maths. I guess i am giving to my sister for her birthday present. Her birthday's tomorrow. Shall give her a surprise. Am very excited right now.

The time, as i type this post is 3.40, 20 mins away from Reen's release time. Good. I have more time to blog. loLx. Thinking of what we can do for today. Tomorrow might be going out with Doreen, Yuan Shan, Melody and Yi Yuan to do project or just do homework. I am so stressed cause i don't know what to include in the report and most students in my class are chinese-pros. loLx. I don't think i am really pro but i think i specialise more in combining simple words to form sentences that can be widely understood and felt for. loLx.

I think i am dosing off if this guy continues his piano concerto. loLx. I think he can already like organise a mini piano concert and dozens and dozens of people will be like dosing off...ZzZzZ...

I know it has been a long time snce i blogged. The last entry is last week. loLx. I am really apologetic and i am now atoning for my disappearence or my MIA status for the past few days. Don't know if any of you guys missed me. Haiz..

I am now hoping that there will be another CLIQUE gathering. The previous one wasn't very successful, in my own opinion, though i get to meet up with WeiFang and Sara for dinner. But somehow, without CheanFei, YiNing and MinWei, some of the flavours in our CLIQUE's relationship was missing. So maybe, just maybe, we can just organise another gathering in which everyone can attend? I think that would be nice.

Saw my name ytd in the Chinese Zao Bao newspaper and got a shock out of my life. My name appeared in the newspaper. My mom says she's going to laminate it and i was like "Crappy, this is shitty." Anyway, it's in the ZaoBao "Xian Zai" session, first page and you just look down - you will see my name there. Luckily there isn't any pictures of me, in which i will be forever grateful of. May god bless me and if he/she already is blessing me, then may this continue. :D

Atlas, may god bless you.

Ciao.

秦基博 - キミ、メグル、ボク

2008-04-08T05:38:00.001+08:00

Theme song of the animated version of Itazura na Kiss or It Started with a Kiss.

Wild at Heart

2008-04-08T05:22:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep, yet again. Went blog-hopping. Read some posts saw some photos and that's about it. loLx.

Nothing to do now. I am slowly rotting. My hands are cold. GOSH.

Don't ask me about the god damn camp for Christ's sake. I haven't prepared anything. Nidda shop the entire day today for some decent apparels for school.

Looking out for laptop bags/pouches today. No new findings and i think the most prudent thingy to do now is just stick to the coal-black laptop casing that came with the laptop.

Oh. And i have got to go Sim Lim again. SHIT. I am such a shithead now.

Typing forcefully with only 1 finger. Reason - air-con's too cold and my hands are numbed. F**K.

Shall post some photos from shopping spree today. Check out - CUIFEN BEING A BITCH! YEAH!!!

That's a sight. loLx. Or maybe i will just post what i bought.

I really love my cousin. Seriously. My dad came home like last Wed or Thurs, with this big Esprit shopping bag - TRUST ME, when i say BIG, it's really big, it's huge. Counted the number of clothes in it - a shocking 42 pieces. Filled my entire wardrobe since i don't really shop a lot for clothes - i normally spend my money on food and books.

This is not the first time my cousin's been so generous with me. She gave me this LV ex-link pouch during CNY this year and i was like - Oh-My-God. Not planning to use it since it's like...a gift?

Shall post another later today. Ciao.

Somewhere over the rainbow

2008-04-04T02:24:00.003+08:00

The post i posted previously is really something from deep inside my heart, cause i am a real person, a human who is in need to express things that are bothering me. If i don't express them, my heart will wither like the rose during winter. Sorry if you feel that i am getting artsy in my post. LOL.

YESH! The laughter ish back and let bygones be bygones. I guess, by typing out the previous post that really expressed what i really thought - I looked into the situation. I did something to improve the situation. I let go of the stones in my heart. Running away or hiding things ain't the way of living life. You need to face it. And then you will realise, that the solution has always been there and your courage in trying to solve the problems bothering you will allow you to escape from the desbris of hopelessness into a new place where you will find hope and eventually happiness again. :DDD

Met Chean Fei outside the bus stop of my ex-school, HYSS right after my trip to the Kino Main Store at Orchard (went there to buy a book, hehe). It had been a long time since i met Chean Fei and she looked...thin. Really really skinny - in my own opinion. Must have been the great amount of stress and pressure in Junior College. Haiz... Must ask her to eat more during the CLIQUE's gathering this coming Saturday at XXX. Cant tell you where cos you guys might stalk me (THEN HOW?).

Min Wei looks like the same old Min Wei, which is good. Glad to know that she's doing quite well in JJC with Chean Fei. Hope they cope well! As for the rest in which i met during the totally unexpected class-gathering...Cheanie said that the boys really changed, probably because of the hair. I, seriously, find it quite uncomfortable with the guys, not that they are Ah Bengs or what. It must be contributed to the fact that i never quite associated with these guys when i am schooling or am classmates with them. Well, they all looked great with their dyed hair so i think they should be doing great!

Most of my classmates i going to SP (Singapore Poly) and only few of us are going to NP (Ngee Ann Poly). Heard from Chean that only 8 students in our class chose JC.

This is going to be random cause only people who knows me and my past knew this - I am kinda shocked that C-cube (you guys should know who HE is) is still in the same school as me since the swimming and the merger gigs in our lives. Luckily we are in different course - phew! His mum actually called my mum and chatted about this for like, 2 hrs? Of course, they also talk about other things lahz. I bet my mother and his mother are really very very very good friends already, cause fate keeps putting us in less than 10km from each other for like - countless years? loLx. This is really something interesting to note. loLx. (yin hun bu san)

That's all for now. Shall read to try to fall asleep. I really nidda follow the normal routine now b4 school begins. Or maybe i shall browse the menu of The Cafe Cartel (Opps!!!), see what to order for that day and see what i can do to increase Cheanie's dropping weight (Seriously Chean Fei, you should eat more.). See ya!

:D

The Brain and the Mouth

2008-04-04T01:20:00.002+08:00

There will be a a lot of rambling an whining and screaming and shouting in this post and if you are not one of the more tolerable ones of this kind of shit. Please do not read this and if you do, remember, i WARNED you.

You feel as though you are just sitting, waiting for decomposition, waiting to be exposed - like...you know the conveyor belt where they just put the chicken in, and then cruelly electrocutes them. I feel as though i was going through that then. Everything around me has gone just...blank. You are now just another product from the god damn MOTHER-EARTH factory, waiting and waiting and waiting for the end to come.

I wrote the story myself. I created the grave, the ditch by myself and i know, deep down that i can blame no one. Anyway, it's just another story written by me, another product to be sent down the dump few years down the road. All this years, seriously, i don't know what i am doing. English, Maths, Science, Mother Tougue, Humanities. For so long i have yet to find the courage to break through all odds to be myself, to be able to express myself as an individual human being. I must always think and speak to conform to this society, so distorted that it has made so many people lose themselves. They DISAPPEAR...i disappeared.

I never keep any of the essays, of any forms and any subjects, with me after i finished them and sent them for assessments. I never keep any of those stupid dumb essays i wrote, any of it, i don't keep it. They express the moment in which i lived, and the thoughts and emotions that are going through me at that point of time and i have no intention to keep whatever that will not last with me till i m able to create something that is of eternal lifespan. Proud? Loner? Think BIG? I am just trying to come to terms with this planet called the Earth and with the PEOPLE who are living in it and i amin desperate need to create something that is real, that comes from deep inside my heart, so that what's real will be left on this god-forsaken place after i am gone.My mission will be complete on this Earth when i done it and i shall have no regrets.

Though i never keep any of the essays i wrote with me, i NEVER regretted every single thing that i have expressed on paper during those moments. I regret nothing.

I was suppose to read this lifestory about a girl on air ytd night. What i didn't expect is...i can't continue the story that i wrote. I tried to continue but i can't. My heart stopped beating and beads of tears just triggled down my cheeks uncontrollably, like the broken pieces of my heart were released from those fluids coming out from my eyes. You stopped breathing and for a second you thought you are about to die. Your knuckles appear, as white as sheet as you clutch your hands into a fist. One of the most terrible things that have ever happened in my life, that i thought have recovered, have been taken out of me has RETURNED and i am afraid now. I am very afraid.

Broken families, broken societies, broken friendships - i have seen it all happen. And now i am watching a montage of them all happening again. All these years, i tried to run away from these but it keeps happening to my loved ones - my friends and myself.

I love to dream. Everybody needs a dream to survive - i strongly believe. And the place we are living in don't seem to give us the chance, the opportunity to even withheld the slightest dream from our slumberland. The perversed nature, i hate to say, as i bang my fists and kicking my legs, struggling to escape - as long withdrawn from me, the ability to dream.

What's the difference between hell and heaven? What's the difference between a winner and a loser? What's the difference of being skinny and fat? What's the difference of being tall and short? What's the difference between a genius and a retard? What's the difference of being beautiful and ugly?

We created the differences and unwittingly bounded ourselves into this jail, this cage that will never open for us again...no matter how hard we try. We are officially trapped in this superficial and shallow world, where we eat, devour, partake one another right to the bones and then crushing them and make them into glue, and then trapping others with the glue. We will never realise, that deep down, our souls are inter-connected and when we eat others, we are eating ourselves. You keep eating, and the glue keeps piling up - the glue eventually drowns you - you become a molecule in the glue.

I am ugly - you keep telling yourself that. For so long, i have heard many people calling themselves ugly and then envy the LESS UGLY. And of course, i have seen people who want to be LESS UGLY go for cosmetic surgery to prove that they are really ugly. Sometimes, it gets pretty obvious and you despise the person and say that he/she is fake. My answer to these scrutinies are - Why do you even care about how you look physically, it's your inner characteristics that make you a person, a human. People go to these looks-altering factories that produces products that can only last...5 years? And then soon you will get your retribution by suffering from the after-math of unnatural looks alterations after that 5 years of looking like someone from above. There's an expiry date for good looks - but there ain't expiry date for the heart and the soul deep down. And what's really bad about looking bad. In my opinion, ugly is so much superior than being beautiful as ugliness last forever but beauty does not. So why not keep things the natural way? Why put on a mask that last for 5 years and expires and let everybody know that you are such a superficial person?

You know what. I am becoming a FAKE person. Like what many said about me in the past, when i haven't gotten my identity right yet, that i am acting cute. But no matter what, i realised, in what ever directions, ways that we go, we MUST act. Acting is a way of life. For me, there are somethings that i can't come to terms with, and i know them deep inside my heart and i cared. What i did was bury them and then act. Different people have different little secrets they want to hide from others and they use different methods of acting. I am a bad actor. Maybe i am good on film or on stage, but i am really bad in real life. No reason at all. I just can't. And then, i get exposed and the feeling...of being completely exposed feels as if you are naked. Starked naked. Nothing on you and you are in North Pole.

I feel horrible right now. Thousands of thoughts striking mymind but i can't put them in words. Many things are left unexplained. I wonder. You wonder. We wonder still the day we die and there will still be somethings deep deep deep inside that we cannot find the courage to explain. Not that we don't want to is that we can't. That when we explain that we will die of the coldness of reality that is way past freezing point.

We will die, won't we? Eventually...

Joy of the World

2008-03-31T23:44:00.002+08:00

Going back to school to collect the dreaded testimony with Chean Fei today. Kinda excited cause it has been a really long time since i seen her. Really looking forward to her transformation from HYSS student to JJC student. The transformation, physically and mentally wise, must have been great for her. But given her strong character, i m 100% sure that she will be able to handle things well.

Still waiting to get enrolled into NP. Haven't got the notification yet. Am suppose to check the NP enrolment webby for my enrolment status. Hope this one whole month of filling up tons and tons of forms didn't come to a waste.

The orientation is oso coming le. Wen Xu called this afternoon and asked if i prepared anything for the 3 days 2 nights camp. I never thought, you know, a tiney winny bit about the camp till she asked me this very critical question. My answer's is a straight no of course. Wen Xu's taking up Japanese classes and i m taking up French. Heard that the French class is full though - together with Spanish and German. Many people these days seem to be interested in Europe, thanks to goodies like Louis Vuitton, Chanel, etc.

The reason why i am planning on learning French is because i want to migrate there someday. The living environment there, the pace of living there is just comfortable enough for me to follow, which is a great thing. I might be staying there with my husband, as far as i m able to predict, cause i really love life there. Furthermore, i still remember that i promised the Clique that i will book tickets for them to come to France for a 7-day wedding. loLx. I m not sure if this will ever come true or not - i sure hope it does.

Watched "The Leap Years" with Alex aka Fougeres aka Jack Jack. It's a fantastic movie, one of the best romantic movies that i have ever seen since "The Notebook". The time span involved, is, in my opinion, why i fell for this movie...The notion that the hearts of 2 people can still stay strong together, regardless of being lonely which is perceived by some as the most horrible feeling in the world. The love between them is kismet, destiny, but of course, lots of pains, hard work involving sorting out your own feelings through the dark and lonely nights, waiting for 29th Feb to come. It's an obsession so strong that one audience can never resist. For those who haven't watch this movie, please do while it's still showing.

How do you know that the particular person you set your eyes on is the right one for you? There's no particular reason as love is like...the air. It's random , impossible to fully describe in words cos its more of the feelings and emotions that goes into the procession. Some people who are lucky are able to FEEL the right person coming to them. And of course, there are some unlucky ones who missed the person. Then there are people who waited for their whole life, waiting for someone to pick them up. I personally believe in the soul-mate theory - that everybody are created with the other half and separated when they come to Earth. It's up to them to find each other back in this god knows how big Earth...find them, love them, and give more love to the world. When the right one comes and you feel like as if you are in fits of hysteria, hug the person tightly and don't let him/her get lose. He/she might just be the one.

Relationships are really a complicated matter, which is why i still haven't gone into one at a ripe age of 17 (yea, i consider it ripe). I still haven't found the right one yet, i certainly am not sure whether i will ever find him. Suddenly it feels like life is not like what some Taiwanese Dramas construct them to be - so perfect with fixed storylines(climax, endings)... My parents are are good deal of a thing to persuade cos they love me like sosososo much. They actually warned me for like billions of times that i am not allowed to marry a Ang Moh. loLx. Cos they will be like so super duper depressed - raising up a daughter who will be given to a Ang Moh family. Not trying to be racist here but it's just that my parents are really traditional who refuse to travel like..mils of miles to see their dear kid.

Will be going to Orchard later ( it's alr 12 pm) - HAPPY APRIL'S FOOL!!! Going to Kino to get my book. >.< Will tell you guys more abt it later today.

Bye bye and i am dying of heartburns today.

The "Outsider"

2008-03-29T20:59:00.002+08:00

Have been going out at a frequency higher than that of sound in solid, which explains why i haven't got the time to post lately. Went out with both Fougeres and Reen on both Thurs and Fri. Greatly enjoyed the trip and hence i wanna thank Reen and Fou for the hospitality. Fou is a gentleman, seriously. Fou, don't forget i still own u $8.30! :DD

Anyway, we were set to meeting Lisa that day too. However, due to some misunderstandings, she's unable to attend the meeting which is such a disappointment to the three of us. Lisa, if u are redaing this, i just wanna let u know that we really want u to join into the clique. I hope i can go out with you someday- have some ice-cream or a movie if you want to.

These people have, in one way or the another, accompanied me during the days of freedom that i attained after finishing my freaking O' lvls papers. That's the reason why the first thing i did to Reen was hugging her, tightly...not only just saying "hi". Although at that moment before i met her,frankly, i m not...sure of what to expect. But this awkward emotions, feelings, thoughts that have occupied me just vanished...disappeared into thin air cause i feel like i have known her for years and its as though both of us went for this very very long trip before we met each other. Yesh Reen, this is exactly what i felt and i want you to know that you ar one of the most beautiful souls that i have ever EVER met in this planet. Likewise for Fou cause i have never met a guy like him before and m honoured to meet u in real life. I wish both of you best of luck for EVERYTHING you guys come across in life. Seriously.

As for the cliques outing - by means, the one arranged by my ex-classmates, good friends for a meal together. Well, deciding on the place is a problem and getting everyone's schedule is a challenging task, i guess. But no matter what, i m still looking forward to the trip greatly cos i really wanna know how some of my friends are doing cos i haven't met them since last year. Of course, i hope that they are all doing well currently. :)

I m typing so much slower than usual and i guess the reason behind this is that i m really really treally tired and washed out right now. My arms arching...I hope i can do a longer post but i think i can't now. What a bother...

Silence is Bliss...

2008-03-26T19:20:00.004+08:00

Chanel No. 5 Gotta save up to buy it soon. :D

Have been living silently for the past few days for now. Accept for some whining, screaming and talking - IN MY DREAMS. Yea, life's a bitch. :D

Set to collect my pink laptop skin tmr. loLx... I feel like buying more of the skins for my pathetically plain laptop. As the laptop skin is reusable, i guess it's worth the money after all. Haha...

Stilling rotting and still waiting for the day in which i will die in NP. Not very familiar about Ngee Ann Poly still i was enrolled in. Not long ago, i received a call from someone who asked me how it feels like to be enrolled in such a "formidable" school and my first reaction was - "Well...I am excited but at the same time, afraid that i might get hurt". And then this person told me that since i haven't gone through the things yet, why freak yourself out? Yea, sure. Well then, i shall just try to relax myself - you know, shoot some adrenaline in my brain and die of hysteria. LOLLL.

Watched JUNO for the sixth time. Feel like taking some behaviour meds which make you jump into a fountain in a shopping centre and proclaiming that you are a "Kraken from the sea". loLx. That's pretty cool. I shall go to Suntec to get this mission done. Jump into the world's famous fountain of wealth and get spread all over worldwide magazines, headline reads "Crazy girl jumps into fountain pretending to be a Kraken" - Subheadline reads - "Sent to IMH for further examinations".

Wanna get some boozes lately...But end up drinking Lemon Barley which is actually left from this yr's Chinese New Year. Life's still a bitch.

Seems to me that the only thing that made me wanna live is the "wonder world" that happens in my dreams. I dream of some pretty fancinating things and i find myself sleeping more than usual just to get into the state of mind - to dream. I dreamt of a garden yesterday - I am in the midst of the garden, planting in a beautiul white dress. Woke up to check if i am dead already. Today, i dreamt that i am a fish in a ocean which gets eaten by this killer whale and end up as a part of it's waste and dissolves slowly in the sea. Scary huh?

Well. Talkign about dreams. The most frightening dream that i every had is the state when i am having a state-wide examinations like the Os. After the Os, i dreamt of myself having to take teh SS paper and i haven't even studied about it. Then you wake up finding you social studies when you see your result slip and came to a sudden realisation that everything is just a dream. You should try this dream someday if you haven't. You might end up freaking out your parents and siblings as well.

Find myself expressing in this blog more than usual. All words, no pictures. I promise that the pictures are coming right up. There will be an entire post dedicated to my fave movie posters, remember? So ya...teh pictures are ready and there will be this polling session in which you guys will decide for me which i should choose to be customised to be my laptop skin.

No one seems to be reading my posts these days. Perhaps they find me whining too much. Shall whine more.

I am Briony, Briony Tallis - PLEASE READ IT!!!

2008-03-25T20:13:00.003+08:00

Briony Tallis is this character from the fiction Atonement. She's a hell of a liar. Due to her being jealoused of the intimate relationship between her elder sister - Cecilia Tallis and the family's gardener's son, Robbie Turner. Incidentally, in this very faithful day that she realised that her sister and Robbie were having s.x in the library, her friend got raped. She, using a rather obscene letter that Robbie has writtened for Cecilia (the usage of the word cxxt), she inferred from it that Robbie is the one who raped her friend although she knew by heart that it was another person who did the raping. Due to the false accusation, Robbie is sent to prison, ultimately, he chose to join the Army during WWII and died of a horrible disease due to infestion of wounds during the last day of the evacuation and was eternally separated from the love of his life Cecilia - who joined him 4 months later, during "The Blitz", during the bombing of the Balham Tube Station.

Just trying my best to raise the courage in me, to own up to things...I am such a coward.

Told myself, for countless of times that lying requires me to cover it up with more lying, in which i am extremely lazy to do. Told myself, i shall never lie to anyone, ever again - cause i really hate to see the disappointed faces or maybe the hatred that some people will have for me, if they know the true.

I am really tired now. Yet i do not have the courage to phrase out what i have done, what i did - the lies that i created with my own active imagination and story-telling skills. I am so afraid that i might lose people who are so precious to me, lose things that i most cherish...Why did i even lie in the first place knowing that i will be in such a mess, in such distress...

Seriously, i don't know....the moment i lied, that i could have carried it this far. To you it might be just an accuse but to me, this is all where the pain comes from. I can't/refused to accept the facts and hence used lies to cover up the things in which i feel inferior in my life. This is a confession - no rhymes, no adjectives, no embellishments.

I am a girl living in fear, who couldn't sleep till 7am in the morning because of the lies that i made that i presumed then, when i made the lie, that i could be a happier person with it. But in turn, the person in jeopardy, the things that i risk losing...have long long long surpassed the happy feeling that i hope i will be receiving.

I feel like Edward from the movie Edward Scissorhands right now. The feeling of wanting to interact with someone so much, the feeling of wanting to feel warmth so much but still am unable to...That's the most distant course in the world.

I don't know if you guys have this experience. But i am in a living hell right now. Wanting to cry but am not supposed to cry due to the terrible nature of my crime. Wanting to live but am dying cause my soul's tired of living up to the lies. Thinking of accuses and the things that i am gonna say to the people whom i lied to but am brain-dead now. Wanting to cherish something now but m afraid to feel the pain of losing it cause of my lies.

I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't wanna act anymore. I don't want the Oscars or the Golden Horse anymore. All i want is a peace of mind and soul. To be allowed to keep myself sane by being who i am and not turning myself into a product in which i created myself to make upself fit in but suffer in the end. I wanna be able to hold on to something and be confident that i can claim it as my own.

Can you ever give me the chance to atone for my mistakes if i ever give you...

My confessions....

I do not expect to be forgiven.

Those who will love me will still love me n those who wont wont..

Just rmb for now... The truth about me towards you guys...

I love you. Come back. Come back to me.

Forever Outcast...

2008-03-25T19:43:00.002+08:00

This is a very in depth research on why some of us are always such an outcast and why certain people seem to be able to fit in whereever they go. Well. I am the forever outcast. So let's look at this article in the perception of an outcast.

I am a geek. I am a jerk. I am a ugly person. I love grape tea.

Do you see something in the above statement?

Forever, no matter what, no matter where, no matter when - the beautiful people which the angelic face will get into the cliques faster than we all do. Rmb, people judges a book by it's cover (although not all, but most do). The hypocrites, liars, betrayals, traitors - the jerks will never be included in any cliques of course. IS THERE SOMETHING SUCH AS GRAPE TEA? I don't think it's even edible...

Me am someone who's not pretty (means ugly), geeky looking, fat, a jerk and loves things that people don't even know that existed. LOOK AT MY DOUBLE CHIN. I shall call myself the CAUTIONARY WHALE or HORTON from this day on.

Cause of me looking so ordinary and perceived as a person whom attitude sucks when what i REALLY sucked in is expressing myself - I am the OUTCAST. Not trying change any current status by posting this post...you know...i just wanna make a change to anyone out there who are trying to get out of this state - Not liked, not loved, not cared. This is the solution to you if you are a seondary/JC/poly student in Singapore.

PLEASE be as bitchy as possible. The bitchy people with the BITCHY hairstyles always gets their friends to thei side. Gossips, rumours are a MUST to spread if you wanna be the next "IT" girl in your class. True/False is not a question that is objective, it's subjected to your own beliefs and imagination. Have a wild imagination - make fun of your friends while they are not in the classroom, PLAY with the whiteboard.YESH! This is the solution to your current status of being an outcast. In the twenty-first century, philosophies and the oxymoron known as INNER BEAUTY does NOT exist! Get the facts and if you really wanna be in the clique, prepare for some BULIMIA and ANOREXIA NERVOSA cause you need to be so tall and thin. AND of course, stop wasting your $$$ on food for thoughts, food for paper - spend them on clothes, cosmetics and the hairdressers. Colour your face like a colour pallette - PUT ON THAT MASK!

These are just some of the people whom you will have problems with once you grow up to be my age. Can't seem to fit in cause you just can't make yourself fit into that fking mould that people like yourself created for YOURSELF. Life's cruel, and so am I...and so are you.

I am whining here about some people i experienced in the past - luckily i have lost contacts with them all and what's left is just the beautiful souls that i have the honour to be ever associated with, who saved my life from the debris i created for myself in this rotting world and in my faltering heart which almost refused to believe that there's ever a thing known to us as HUMANITIES. The most painful fact is, of course, realising that you slowly slip out of your soul, like you have been applied slime and being removed your physical self. You float on air without any reliance and there you know - heading towards self-destruction. AND THE MOST MOST MOST PAINFUL THING IS realising that you slowly become the type of person you HATE. When you hate yourself, you are nothing by just a piece of trash. This is when people turn suicidal, i believe, when you yourself can't even fit into yourself.

There you are. Just a sudden thought that comes sparking from my mind. Brought some memories that i thought i have long forgotten - when you think you have forgotten something, you know you haven't forgotten it at all, in contrary, you rmb them as vividly...

Current status: Outcast

I am 16. Just a normal girl who hates herself.

Emo-ing is not good for health. Quit emo-ing. MOVE ON!

Artsy Farsy - The way of living life

2008-03-25T19:28:00.002+08:00

In one way or the other, my life seems to be such an indie film (independent film), unconventional, surreal, yet true. Watched The Tracey Fragments for about the 3rd time and am really depressed right now. There is this quote from the movie that is really true. This is how it goes...

Tracey Berkowitz: I kinda like to ride a different bus every night depending on my mood. Like, if I'm depressed, I enjoy being around other depressed people. And happy people, they frickin depress me! You know?

That's so freaking true! BUT! I don't take different buses when i am unhappy, i walk. I walk a lot. Maybe i don't look like it but i am a psycho who enjoyswalking long distances. I remember there was this one time when i ran away from home with a close friend of mine (not gonna name the person), we walked all the way from Jurong East MRT station to the gate of our primary school before we got caught by the police. loLx. Pretty interesting experience - i mean, the experience with the police and sitting in a police car. It's rare that you will ever know a Singaporean who's been to the police station cause they are too KIASI and KIASU! Well anyway, the past is the past -let bygones be bygones. I am not going to into that place again cause it's igloo. Don't ask me why. Just feels and looks like it.

Walking, somehow, allows me to sort of my thoughts, emotions, feelings over subjects that are bothering me very much at that point of time. And after walking, you sort of SORT YOURSELF OUT and understand that you can do something to the problems that you are facing. YOu find ur heart at ease after a while cause you have already found the solutions to the problems. After being through so much (close friends should know), i came to a realisation that running away or avoidance can never solve the problem - the problem will forever be there. So if you want the problem to just get away from you, do something to it. Do what you think you need to do. Do what you think will make you remain sane.

I am always freaking depressed when i am around happy people. This is mainly due to the fact that i can't understand why they are so happy when i am so sad, depressed, filled with sorrow. And then you feel like getting out from that god damn place which is making you like...SO DEPRESSED. You understand what i mean?

I doubt that few can understand the meanings of this article cause it seemed to be just so full of shit. But maybe you will once you gone through what i have gone through and you will know this message by heart - Just be who you are.

I am PREGNANT!!!

2008-03-25T07:12:00.002+08:00

Yes! Indeed, i am really sorry for scaring you guys with this random PREGNANCY SCARE but after watching quite some materials about teenage pregnancy/pregnancy, I myself have become quite crazy with this topic. loLx.

Well. The new Taiwanese Drama Series produced by Settv, 命中注定我爱你, is about a very normal working class female (Performed by Chen Qiao En), who got pregnant by a random guy after a one night stand in which neither of them can exactly remember what that has happened. Cant believe i betrayed They Kiss Again for this show cause this show, in one sense or another, is much more interesting then They Kiss Again, the sequel to the popular 2005 It Started with a Kiss. I shall dedicate an article on It Started with a Kiss and They Kiss Again as an atonement for my betrayal. LOLLL.

And why did i say even say that i am pregnant? loLx. Does being pregnant equals to being pregnant WITH A CHILD?!? Well, just so you know that i am pregnant with a food baby. Food-baby = FOOD. loLx. Why did i mention this anyway cause it will be gone from me in less than 24 hrs time. So that means...I will be giving birth to my food baby soon in the loo. LOLLL. A very creative way to express teh amount of food that consumed yesterday during dinner.

Talked about being pregnant and friends being pregnant during THE CLIQUE's gathering and regular family meetings. Just like to share some of the info. that i have collected from the discussions held, normally during meal-time. But first of all, let me introduce to you, THE CLIQUE - CheanFei, WeiFang, YiNing, Sara and MinWei. Please do forgive me if you are in the clique and i have missed spelling out ur name here, it's done most unintentionally and i hope that i will be forgiven for such mistakes. Anyway, from the discussions, in which are mostly about the prediction of age in which we will be married and getting pregnant, the first person who will first achieve such an honour in life FIRST, AS INFERRED FROM THE DISCUSSIONS, should be WeiFang. Not sure about her though but some of us are fully up the sprout that she's going to be the first member of the clique to get married and pregnant. As for me, i might very well be the last given the eccentricity, bad-temper, highly erratic, practical and materialised in which i am known for for most of my life. Moreover, the fortune-teller that i went to lke 2 yrs ago told me that i can't get married until i am about 28 yrs old. Not sure whether i can even live up the age. What if i die when i am 27 yrs 364 days...That will be like so depressing.

Talked to Lisa about pregnancy too. But mainly, we touched on more freaky topics like abortion. Lisa once asked me a very simple but yet complicated qns that i still do not know the qns to it yet - Will you get an abortion if you got pregnant with an unwanted child? My answer to it now is currently - If i got pregnant when i am schooling (I doubt i would ever engage in pre-marital s.x but the future is always unpredictable so let's talk about this first), I will abort the baby cause i am financially, physically and emotionally unequipped to take care of an infant. And if i got pregnant when i am working, i guess i will just give birth to the child and send it to some people who simply adore this kind of "pooping joy". This is my answer to Lisa's question. I am not sure whether or not i will change my answer when i grow up, when my physical and emotional bodies are more developed, well formed. But that's my current answer to such question...yea..

I wonder sometimes if i have any chance of getting married/pregnant. The chances seem to be slim cause i wanna take care of my parents for the rest of my life since all they have is two daughters and they really love us very very much. I will give up my opportunity to...you know...get married to my younger sister who is so much prettier and smarter than me. Yea, she has loads of wits. Part of the reason why i chose to take care of my parents instead of getting married is that i doubt STRONGLY that i can ever find my Mr Right in this world that is so so huge. Unless i found the guy who is meant for me by the power of god, i shall continue my journey to become a spinster.

More fragments to be posted later. Now, i must sleep. :D

Freako, Psycho, Sicko

2008-03-24T19:22:00.002+08:00

Have been lying on my bed for the past, say...10 hours? Nvr intended to sleep for such a long time but was suffering from some really serious headache/migraine and so was resting on bed, surfing the net, blog-hopping and so on. Hope u guys like the new feature in my bloggy - My imeem playlist. Those are some of my favourite songs, all r recommended strongly cos its MY STORY, YOUR SONGS. Listen to them, feel what they are trying to tell you. These are some of the songs that added some spices/colours/meanings to my life. Listen, feel it coming to you.

Spent like 2 hours discussing some really important matters that's in association with HabboSoup, the radio station that i was waiting for. These days, some people came up and asked me what's this djing thingy i do. loLx. Not trying to be so profound by giving some really chim reasons for this - the answer to all is TIME and PASSION. The CHANCE came at the right TIME and it just happens to be my PASSION. Yes, things are just so simple. Internet deejaying is not really as difficult as some people thought it might be. You just nid - winamp, shoutcast, a right frame of mind, a heart, a ear and most importantly, a golden mouth that is devoid of vulgarities. Yea. This's for u. :D

Well. Cause nothing much happened today there's nothing much left to write. This is life, this is MY life. I can't create something out of the blue to fit it in my awfully boring, bleak and dull life. So JIA YOU ALL, esp for the trial djs who i have the honour to meet. I wish u guys all the best and can pass ur trials real soon. As for my friends, a healthy body and of course, excel in whatever that u guys r doing now.

PS. Thank you guys for tagging me. Your tags are greatly appreciated....just so u know. :D

Moderate Progression of my LIFE

2008-03-23T20:50:00.006+08:00

What is life? What is love? Have been writing my thoughts, feelings, emotions on pieces of tissue paper and using them for various uses - sneezing, wiping tables/chairs, washroom usage and etc etc. Was so bored out of my life while doing all these things and so...Just trying to share some of the craps that i actually do which is completely out of borders, you know...

Watched Juno for the fifth time and decided to buy a laptop skin for my pitch-black laptop. Went to Sim Lim Square with Dad and reserved a pink laptop skin. Dun even know why i chose pink since i wasnt quite a pink colour lover and i always tot the colour pink is one of the colours that could nvr be associated with my life cos it sort of jinx me in a very weird way. But it's a pretty artistic design (in my eyes) and it sort of brings some thing new in my life. Haha. Let's see abt this first. If it really jinx-ed me (eg. cant make new frens cos of new lappy skin, cant pass exam with new lappy skin, lost laptop due to new lappy skin) - I shall CUSTOM-MAKE a new LAPPY SKIN!!!!!!!!!!! loLx.

My ideal customised lappy skin is one that has my fave movie poster. Cos i m not really a artistically inclined person (one of the reasons why i didnt choose a tablet pc besides it's a out of date processor). So i might as well get a movie poster, which are normally very meaningfully designed to fit the content of the movie - as a lappy design. I shall dedicate a new post to share some of my fave movie posters. Haha.

Just gtk (got to know) that Yi Ning's working in a Japanese Restaurant. Not gonna tell u where cos i scared u guys stalk her (THEN HOW??). I was informed by my good friend - Chean Fei, in which she later asked me if i am free nxt week to join the gathering with THE CLIQUE in Yi Ning's workplace. loLx. I am definitely thrilled by the idea and am totally looking forward to it - good food and good friends is one of the best combis of life in the world.

Deejayed for 1hr plus plus today and am so high today. Dunno why. Maybe i have got too much sugar in my system which actually caused me to suffer from a condition known as SUGAR RUSH. loLx. Was actually tempting the listeners with my toufu while listening to JAY CHOU's KUNG FU GUAN LAN on radio. I m definitely up for the facilities meant for the mentally disabled. loLx.

Havent seen a friend for quite some time now. Not looking forward to the camp set by the School of Humanities. I hate camps but was recommended to go for it by one of my frens in NP and oso because i didnt sign up for the FOC (Freshman Orientation Camp), neither did i sign up for the Sports Camp, LOL. After several counselling sessions with them, i am led to perceive that if i dun join the god damn camp, i m going to be an outcast (ACTUALLY, i intend to be since i nvr seemed to fit in anywhere except for THE CLIQUE). So signed up for it and am currently waiting to DIE in the camp.

The reason why i am HATE camps ish because i nvr had any good experiences with camps - I am always picked to join a group in which i know NOBODY and it's like so embarassing - I am always the outcast in the group cos the group will start creating tiny cliques - The food is terrible - The games required basking in the sun in which is the last thing that i will ever do and if i ever do it, it will be trying to save Earth from its Dooms Day - SWEAT and SWEAT and SWEAT - Dun treat me like a DOG - I want to sleep for more than 10 hrs in the morning. These are the reasons why i hate camps cos they are cold, THEY ARE SO COLD. Like North Pole, South Pole, Arctic, World's End - you know, no MAMA's COOKING and no WARMTH and no DOUBLE BED. Hope that the Humantiesof the School of Humanities can save the terrible camp image in my heart.

I am not a spoiled brat, just so u know. It's just....I am just thinking, that if i could have a chance to live a day in peace, why not just let it be IN PEACE? Why sign up for some camps and suffer from sleep deprivation, starvation, fatique? I thought u are suppose to LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE YOUR LAST DAY? So...I really really envy people who loves camps.

Talking to Lisa right now on skype. If u guys got skype can inform me, i can add u guys. Continue to check out this blog cos i will try to post constantly. Stay healthy and safe everyone. :D

THE ECCENTRICITY OF THE LEGENDARY CRUSHED FLOUR WHICH THOUGHT IT WAS NOT CRUSHED BUT REALLY ISH CRUSHED ALREADY.

What is BAD luck?

2008-03-21T21:00:00.007+08:00

In the morning, when the light is angelic. loLx

Was actually set on updating my bloggy ytd, you know, change my bloggy skin and all but was unable to do so due to a unfortunate stint with some bloggy patrols who marked my blog as a spam blog. I was completely taken by surprise - until ytd, i dun even know what's the definition of spam blog. So, i went to the help sessions and checked out their articles on spam blog. Anw, now that it's over, i wouldnt want to say much abt this anymore as i understand the blogger support committee's mission in maintaining a certain order in Blogosphere (I m not sure about the spelling though, sorry). This really left a deep impression of me, i believe. Haha...

Yea, that was really my luck. Was set to go out with my dad today but was unfortunate held back due to my dad's colleage calling him, asking him to go bet on horse race with him. My dad was nvr a good horse racing bet player though he's very good when it comes to prediction on soccer though. loLx. I m not sure on teh amt of money my dad lost but should be...quite an amount.

I actually wanted to go Sim Lim today to get a laptop skin for my keep-over-heating laptop. Serious, i think it reached the temperature of a burning kettle. I really feel like K-ing the person who said that she nvr heard that Fujitsu's laptop has got overheating problems - THEY FKING DO! RIGHT! Propaganda in sales is nvr encouraged. Haha.

What else....I deejayed today for abut 4 minutes before cutie deejay motor-ocean told me that she's planning on doing a radio show with glitter96.here, another cutie deejay on my time slot. loLx, quite used to it already and so agreed when she requested me to give up on my slot for the 8-9pm. Although i wasnt tuning in at that time slot as i was eating dinner, i heard that the reception is quite gd and felt glad for them. They are really kind and pure souls. Was planning to do radio show about my own lonely love life and all cos i guessed it should be quite a fresh attempt for habbosoup.net. Of course, more info. will be found on habbosoup.net

Took quite a lot of pictures today to commemorate the day when i actually woke up on 7am in the morning. The morning scene is spendid, absolutely stunning from my house and the lighting and all ish awesome. So took some pictures with the natural lightings and all. Hahaha. I will have admit to the fact that i am a really self-loving person cause i couldnt find soemone to love till now. Of course, i m still waiting for my Mr-Right to appear but currently, the men of my life ish my dad and Mr Ma Ying Jiu (PRESIDENT of TAIWAN) LOLLL

Going to start sch soon with a burning laptop...SIAN NA! And btw, Blogger committee, can don't lock my bloggy again plz cos i am just sharing some of my thoughts about some things i went through these few days and I am sure as SHIT that this is definitely not a SPAM BLOG talking about crap. THIS IS MY LIFE AND PLZ RESPECT IT. I do respect you guys' work in maintaining this wonderful personal sharing space but i would really appreciate if you check before you lock my dear blog,as it has already marked a scar in my mind and soul (SERIOUSLY)!

SKY OF LOVE for tmr's breakfast. YIPPIE!!!

Life in Fragments...

2008-03-19T22:42:00.002+08:00

I am highly embarassed by the suckish DEFAULT blogskin that i am currently still having right now. Talking on the phone with Lisa right now while typing this post. What's that's so incredible about Lisa is that she's extremely forgiving...Someone like her is one in a million nowadays and i really treasure her as bestie.

About my life, there are not much changes - except from suffering from some problems with my desktop and the downloading of systems like skype and msn on my new laptop. In case you guys don't know the brand of my new lappy, it's a Fujitsu S6510NP that i bought from the school. A very very very light model - 1.7 kg at 14.1 inches, it has got fantastic specs, you know, just good enough for study purposes. At a speed of 2.4GHz and a Processor of T8300, I think its more than enough for my course since it's not really a IT-related course.

Actually thought about buying a Tablet-PC, you know...the one created by Fujitsu. But unfortunately, it's running on a old processor and it's heavier than my current laptop. So....yea, that's about it.

Have been thinking alot lately and have been watching some movies. Some of the movies that i am watching right now is The Tracey Fragments, Sky of Love and Horton (a elephant movie, loLx). I like Tracey Fragments but if you are planning to watch it, plz be prepared for some "Borderline Personaility Disorder". I find movies about mental impairment very interesting, haha. :D And the thing about Sky Of Love is that it's such a tear-jerker. Go to the theatres with your packets of tissue ready for absorbing your tears. It's a love story that's widely circulated in Japan via the handphone and is a major box office draw in Japan. I am planng on getting the book in Kino. Should be quite nice.

Routines. And am still following them.

A movie quote a day - From The Tracey Fragments
Tracey Berkowitz: I don't like the country. Creeps me out. In the country, dead bodies live in swamps, and ditches, and shallow graves. A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.

Remembrance of the past - Or so I call it

2008-03-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Pretty surprised by the fact that I am creating a blog, was thinking about going for the mysterious and secretive way of living my life. But, come to think of it, it seemed like a pretty bad way of living your life, cause my friends who have exiled, departed will not be informed or at least acknowledged of my well-being right now. I am not sure if anybody cared or bothered about me, but i am certain as shit that I am writing for nobody but myself and people who give a shit for me. Sorry for being so franked on my first post. Just trying to make things clearer for myself. loLx.

Been thinking about a lot lately and have actually been to blog hopping and realised I have failed to update about my thoughts, feelings towards issues like Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year and all (I do read archives). So...just wanna start talking about my Valentine's Day for a start - You know, just allow me to dwell on the past before i move to the future of unknown.

V'Day is, like every single year that i have lead for my lifetime, SINGLE. Well, i am still not keen on breaking this tradition until someone really superb comes to my sight and i believe that there will be this day. Of course, there are days that i would actually re-watch Bridget Jones and wonder if i might end up like her if i don't start bitching around for male parties. So...I think i will just let nature take its course. I don't really have an IDEAL V'Day in mind cause if i can be with that someone who truly loves me and whom i love most deeply, everyday is V'Day to me. Cliche but true, anybody who have/had a bf or gf before should know that very well, huh? :D

Let me talk about the friends whom i made this past 2 years and the ones whom i met recently in which i have close relations to. Cheanfei, Weifang and Yining, from what i heard from very reliable sources, are now living their lives to the greatest. I hereby wish them all the best and may they excel academically and remain a healthy body. Then, there are friends whom i made while deejaying in HabboSoup.net. My besties in Habbo now are Rawker. (Reen) and ..Lisa. But just yesterday, i did something incredibly wrong to Lisa and i would like to tell her that i am really sorry for what that had happened as i was in a really disturbed mood at that time. I am sorry and i hope our friendship will not end because of this cause i really cherish you as a friend. Of course, to Reen, hope everything's going fine with cheepong. Hahaha

These months doing all these deejaying has been one of the most spiritually fulfillinf things that i ever did in my life. Reaching out to the fatique, tired souls of listeners tuning in to me - one of the best things in the world.

Movies, one of my favourite subjects - I must talk about it. My favourite movies of the year 2007 are Atonement and Juno. At one point i was so obsessed with the movie Juno that i almost selected it as my christian name. Anyway, things don't work this way. Haha. Still searching for a christian name though. Really enjoyed Keira Knightley and James McAvoy's performance in Atonement. It's a movie about passionate love and how it is torn by jealousy. Read the book and realised that the book was actually better than the movie. The book dives in more into the use of language, imagination to manipulate the truth. It's very true. As for Juno, I LOVE Ellen Page's performance. Have always loved her after Hard Candy. OH! How can i forget to mention La Vie En Rose starring Marion Cottilard. I just watched it on DVD and it's amazing! What a performance by Cottilard - She looks and acts totally the part. La Vie En Rose (Life of a Rose) or La Mome (Little Sparrow) is a biography of the life of the distraght popular French singer Edith Piaf, how she travelled from the ghettos to the upper classes right to her death. Great movie.

And so, I believe i have done quite enough story telling for today. That's all and I really hope that all the people that i care for are all well. Okies, shall sign off right now for some sad Korean Melodrama.

:DDD